贱小丑

a little by little i realized, i was obsoleted, betrayed, left out....

yeah, that's how it is.

Left Out

Those are the one you yourself call them as friends.but for now i doubt.

sometimes i think at my side,of what I'm doing all these time and in the end they might just think that I am an arrogant person. 

well, it's not like i didn't go to them. but there is a gap ,somehow building in between of us. 

I tried, to keep contact with them. i tried many ways. 

Appreciated? No, never.

I guess it's what we always say, 

"There're different friends with different phases in life."

Move on. 

If we come to a point that we could never continue drawing the line. Break it, and make a new one.

Always, always Im the one who's trying to help but in return I am the one being left out, restricted.

Now i don't know what should i call them. 

Friends? no, i don't think so. they don't mention my name, for now.

Betrayed

Self-centered. At the same time the person wears a joker mask, but with a knife behind.

Jumping around making fun but that's what was planned.

Come to your face and show how helpful and generous she is, and hiding behind doing what benefits her.

I was so stupid for all the time i cared about her, just because she is a FEMALE friend.

I'm not sexist or whatever you call it. But living here in the foreign places, You will never know what will happen to you next. 

For the first time i feel, that I've met such disgusting person in my life. 

Out of the common sense, she could just find a very stupid excuse to lie to me and get over me.

Like come on? who will believe that! and i was so pissed she actually did that to me.

Acting naive and innocent all the time. She knows that the colleagues fancy her. And so if she made mistakes and the colleagues wont blame her.

I confronted her. She thought she thought she thought she always thoughts BUT NO!

She was just trying to find those stupid ideas to cover her own mistakes, to protect herself. 

Why?? What's the point of lying to me?

I witnessed, i have seen what she done behind me and i was so shocked! but she kept on saying she didn't. You want to actually record down what you doing huh??

but hell why did i kept silent? i should just yell at her but no, if i do, she will always, always find excuses to cover her guilt. I knew she will, there's no point of doing it. I didn't directly shoot her at that moment. I let her walks with her plan, and see how good she is in all these lies.

I will not forget the moment when i found out what's she doing behind me and I literally glared directly to her eyes. And how she guiltily avoided my stare. i told her that. << she said she thought i need some space? like what?? it doesn't relates at all!!! need some space for what? for accepting that u had lied to me and doing things behind? 

Is it because that you scare that I will do better than you? yes, for now I am very sure.

I tried to plan something that we can actually learn things together without feeling such way but hell you just go and ruin it and pretend like you know-it-all. PLEASE! Stop with all those Know-it-alls acting or what we called it 自作聪明,不自量力 in mandarin.

We are still learning, not asking u to teach me!

and whenever i tried to correct you and you will always THOUGHT that you are right, ALL THE FUCKING TIME,again and again and again. jesus im so tired of this.

And if you were wrong, u will say u remembered this or that of how it should be!

WAKE UP IDIOT. This is not how it is by just assuming all the facts.

so what's next? 

CRY. 

in front of colleagues. smart plan eh? so, crying solves everything huh? 

and now I'm the bad guy. 

and gosh, im so proud of myself that i could survive to work with her these 3 months and i actually forgave her! well it's not really forgiving but for the sake of prevent the awkward moments in the company, i just have to end it up nicely so we have face to meet each other for the job. But YOU, can you think so far like i did to make sure things don't end up badly?

Suck it up bitch. I actually look down on you. 

You might do better than me but looking in ur humanity? U're just a drama bitch. Faker.

and I will do better than you, try me.

Ughh, i just have to split them out. this made me so fucking stress.

sorry guys if i made you guys feel bored by reading all these shit.

but yeah that's what happening to me. it's tough.

i need hugs. :''(

信任

真的


谢谢你。
有你这个朋友真好。


希望会变得更好。

加油。: )

Circle

Yesterday was indeed tiring, but very fun, happy.
The ceremony ended smoothly with joy.
Been through so many times of trials and rehearsals, and they are all paid off.

"It's a good ceremony. DPE students are always talented."
Good enough for everything. worth it.

I always just look at the picture of what we doing, by putting efforts to make things best, run smooth and things like that. We got something missing since then, i couldn't see them anywhere.

but today, i saw...

Happiness. Warmth. Passion.

They are like waves of strings, colors and the beatings and rhymes.
I am touched. I miss those moments. Really I do.
I gave a cold shiver when i was watching them on stage.
I screamed squeak and i was so excited.
I can see everyone was playing their role, giving their best to rock the hall.
It's not the best. It's not.
But all the way to the end of the show, the audiences love it.
I see them clapping hard. I see everyone was smiling. I see them laughing.
I see

Happiness.


I looked at everyone of them in the hall. They are entertained.
i had watery eyes. The feeling is amazing. i still feel it now.

I am so proud. Proud of be part of it. Proud to be able to guide these people.
I've learnt a lot of things through this DPE Impact Club.
This club changed us. We are changed to stand firm on the peak of everything.

We might have encounter BIG PROBLEM or MISSED SOMETHING at first.
But I Do Believe.
Everything is POSSIBLE.
ALWAYS HAVE FAITH. GIVE YOUR 200 PERCENT.
In the end, i'm sure everyone gets what they deserved.

Things might look different if we are able to see things FAIR, and POSITIVE.
It's there and always be.
The solution is how we going to make use of that as stepping stone to fly further and higher.

I pray and I give my best wishes to everyone.
For now, and the future.

我变了

She told me that she wants to have some private talk with me, for quite a moment ago.

I was very surprise, because usually she don't bother, about me.
But what i seen through her eyes, they're filled with curiosity, worry, and.... a little bit of concern.

She always did, i mean to care about others. 

"You changed a lot. It's not the old JJ I've known like last time..."

Wow. Did I? Is it good or bad? in what sense?

I started question myself. 

I could tell she knows a lot, her sense is incredible.

but she's trying to hide it. and i chose not to reveal it.

"The old JJ was noisy, but not as, how to say..."cincai", or "diao er lang dang".....

but now u seem to behave that way, like you don't care what people talks about you....

and u don't take them serious. 

I DON'T LIKE. 

I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT."

In term of fashion, my expressions or may be the way i walk my paths, they're different.

i know myself, it's been there. may be after i came Singapore and I've been through things, 

I've grown up a little bit. Damn, she's right. 

I am acting very weird and slovenly.

What actually made me changed so much? People change themselves gradually, steadily. 

But me, i changed just in a snap, Drastically. 

I won't feel that if she never mention about that.

Many things happened. Many things changed me.

Things that happened around me, my friends, and my family.

I decided to take a step forward.
I just don't to stay at my old ground,

waiting for the apple to drop from the sky.

Yes, I might be a little bit selfish, always do what i want to be, what i want things to be.

But i torn back, i chose not to care so much. 

i mean, sometimes i should have do it, but i just don't feel like doing them. 

I can do them better, but it's troublesome, tiring. So why should I?

 (see? selfish, lazy.)

I learnt something from the lesson today.

"What is ur goal? What are the things that always want to try but the fear is there pulling you from that, even just effing give a try."

There are so much to list out. uncountable. a lot of I-Wants. 

but I am missing one point. i am missing the most important one.

It's there but

I CANT FIGURE IT OUT.

i checked back what I want myself to be....

it's all about me me me. so what's so wrong about it?

it's my goal for the sake of improving myself anyway.

i "WHY ARE U HERE?"

"WHAT ARE THE VALUES?"

"WHY ARE U DOING THAT?"

flashback. 

Inspiration. i need them, to guide me the way.

She told me about her friends, her family, on what had happened to them...

and what she did.

I was astonished. and yes, i was touched.

Not just doing it them hard and that's them.

NO.

there are so much of things u can learn!!! from them.

"THINGS HAPPENED FOR A REASON"

so true. very.

I need to "re-organize" myself. again.

I'm not giving up this fight.

Lastly I want to thank you here.

Thank you so much.

thank you so much for the approach.

thank you for sharing your stories.

thank you for reminding me.

thank you.

I shall move on.

Buahaha :P

hmmm,

G13

or

600D??