贱小丑

a little by little i realized, i was obsoleted, betrayed, left out....

yeah, that's how it is.

Left Out

Those are the one you yourself call them as friends.but for now i doubt.

sometimes i think at my side,of what I'm doing all these time and in the end they might just think that I am an arrogant person. 

well, it's not like i didn't go to them. but there is a gap ,somehow building in between of us. 

I tried, to keep contact with them. i tried many ways. 

Appreciated? No, never.

I guess it's what we always say, 

"There're different friends with different phases in life."

Move on. 

If we come to a point that we could never continue drawing the line. Break it, and make a new one.

Always, always Im the one who's trying to help but in return I am the one being left out, restricted.

Now i don't know what should i call them. 

Friends? no, i don't think so. they don't mention my name, for now.

Betrayed

Self-centered. At the same time the person wears a joker mask, but with a knife behind.

Jumping around making fun but that's what was planned.

Come to your face and show how helpful and generous she is, and hiding behind doing what benefits her.

I was so stupid for all the time i cared about her, just because she is a FEMALE friend.

I'm not sexist or whatever you call it. But living here in the foreign places, You will never know what will happen to you next. 

For the first time i feel, that I've met such disgusting person in my life. 

Out of the common sense, she could just find a very stupid excuse to lie to me and get over me.

Like come on? who will believe that! and i was so pissed she actually did that to me.

Acting naive and innocent all the time. She knows that the colleagues fancy her. And so if she made mistakes and the colleagues wont blame her.

I confronted her. She thought she thought she thought she always thoughts BUT NO!

She was just trying to find those stupid ideas to cover her own mistakes, to protect herself. 

Why?? What's the point of lying to me?

I witnessed, i have seen what she done behind me and i was so shocked! but she kept on saying she didn't. You want to actually record down what you doing huh??

but hell why did i kept silent? i should just yell at her but no, if i do, she will always, always find excuses to cover her guilt. I knew she will, there's no point of doing it. I didn't directly shoot her at that moment. I let her walks with her plan, and see how good she is in all these lies.

I will not forget the moment when i found out what's she doing behind me and I literally glared directly to her eyes. And how she guiltily avoided my stare. i told her that. << she said she thought i need some space? like what?? it doesn't relates at all!!! need some space for what? for accepting that u had lied to me and doing things behind? 

Is it because that you scare that I will do better than you? yes, for now I am very sure.

I tried to plan something that we can actually learn things together without feeling such way but hell you just go and ruin it and pretend like you know-it-all. PLEASE! Stop with all those Know-it-alls acting or what we called it 自作聪明,不自量力 in mandarin.

We are still learning, not asking u to teach me!

and whenever i tried to correct you and you will always THOUGHT that you are right, ALL THE FUCKING TIME,again and again and again. jesus im so tired of this.

And if you were wrong, u will say u remembered this or that of how it should be!

WAKE UP IDIOT. This is not how it is by just assuming all the facts.

so what's next? 

CRY. 

in front of colleagues. smart plan eh? so, crying solves everything huh? 

and now I'm the bad guy. 

and gosh, im so proud of myself that i could survive to work with her these 3 months and i actually forgave her! well it's not really forgiving but for the sake of prevent the awkward moments in the company, i just have to end it up nicely so we have face to meet each other for the job. But YOU, can you think so far like i did to make sure things don't end up badly?

Suck it up bitch. I actually look down on you. 

You might do better than me but looking in ur humanity? U're just a drama bitch. Faker.

and I will do better than you, try me.

Ughh, i just have to split them out. this made me so fucking stress.

sorry guys if i made you guys feel bored by reading all these shit.

but yeah that's what happening to me. it's tough.

i need hugs. :''(